Thoughts on Metroid [Manga] (Spoilers!, Explicit!)

ONCE UPON A TIME THERE WAS A PLANET AND THERE WERE PEOPLE ON IT.

BUT THEN THE PLANET WAS ATTACKED BY ALIENS.

AMONG THESE ALIENS, THERE WAS A DRAGON THING CALLED RIDLEY. HE’S A DICK.

Ridley: NIGGA I’MMA KILL ERRYBODY ON THIS FUCKIN’ PLANET.

Samus (three years old): UMM, LET’S BE FRIENDS, HAHAHAHAHA.

Ridley: FUCK YOU, LIL’ BITCH!

THE PLANET EXPLODES AND EVERYONE DIES EXCEPT SAMUS. OKAY.

THE CHOZOS, WHO ARE BIRDS WHO CAN’T FLY (LMAO), TAKE IN SAMUS AND TRAIN HER TO BE BADASS OR SOMETHING. THEY PUT HER IN A CAPSULE AND FUSE HER WITH CHOZO CHEMICALS. TOO BAD SHE CAN’T FLY. HOHOHOHOHO.

TEN YEARS LATER I GUESS.

Chozos: SAMUS YOU ARE LITERALLY THE MOST FUCKING RETARDED THING I HAVE EVER SEEN. WHY ARE YOU SO BAD AT SHOOTING SOMETHING? WHY AREN’T YOU SHOOTING IT CORRECTLY? GOD, YOU ARE SUCH A GIRL.

Samus: OH MY GOD LOOK AT THOSE BUTTERFLIES.

Chozos: SAMUS WHAT THE FUCK THOSE BUTTERFLIES ARE DANGEROUSLY TOXIC PUT THEM BACK.

SAMUS DISCOVERS THAT THE SPACE PIRATES (ALIENS WHO KILLED EVERYONE) INVADED THE CHOZO PLANET ONCE OKAY MOVING ON.

THE CHOZOS GET TIRED OF SAMUS’S SHIT AND KICK HER OFF THE PLANET.

CUT TO HOWEVER MANY YEARS LATER AND SAMUS IS NO LONGER JAILBAIT. FAP AS YOU WILL.

SHE’S WORKING FOR THE GALACTIC FEDERATION AND SHE’S WITH THESE TWO FUCKING DISGRACES FOR CHARACTERS AND THEY STOP A BUNCH OF SPACE PIRATES ON WHATEVER PLANET AND IT GOES KIND OF LIKE THIS:

Space Pirates: LET’S FUCK SHIT UP YAAAAAAAAAAAY! HEY YOU I’M GONNA KILL YOU BECAUSE YOU’RE SHORT LOL

Samus: MY SHOUNEN PROTAGONIST SENSES ARE TINGLING!

SAMUS SAVES THE DAY AND ALMOST KILLS THE LEAD SPACE PIRATE EVEN THOUGH SHE ISN’T SUPPOSED TO BECAUSE SHE’S A COP AND NOT A MURDERER AND SHE GROWS AS A CHARACTER BECAUSE IT’S IMPORTANT AND THE SHORT GIRL THAT WAS ALMOST KILLED GETS MOLESTED BY SAMUS AND IT WAS REALLY WEIRD TO READ LIKE SAMUS WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING?

AND THEN WE’RE INTRODUCED TO ADAM MALCOVICH. OH MY GOD WHY?

ADAM IS AN EDGY PIECE OF SHIT WITH A HILARIOUSLY SERIOUS FACE 24/7. FUCK HIM. NO SERIOUSLY FUCK HIM. FUCK HIM UNTIL HE’S DEAD.

AND THEN A MEETING BETWEEN ALL THE RACES IN EXISTENCE GATHER TOGETHER AND START TALKING ABOUT PEACE OR WHATEVER AND IT DOESN’T GO WELL BECAUSE WE ARE NOT THE WORLD.

AND THEN THE CHOZOS TALK ABOUT THE X PARASITES BECAUSE THIS MANGA WAS RELEASED AROUND THE TIME METROID FUSION CAME OUT AND THEY JUST HAD TO TIE THAT IN SOMEWHERE. THEN THEY TALK ABOUT HOW METROID WERE MADE TO PROTECT THE UNIVERSE FROM THE X PARASITES. THAT SEEMS SOMEWHAT BULLSHIT BUT OKAY.

BY THE WAY THE CHOZOS ALSO MADE MOTHER BRAIN, WHICH IS THE MAIN BAD GUY TO THE METROID SERIES SO YEAH.

AND THEN SAMUS AND ADAM AND HER FUCKING STUPID FRIENDS INTERROGATE THE MAIN SPACE PIRATE GUY THAT THEY CAPTURED AND HE STARTS TALKING ABOUT HOW EVERYONE IS JUST AS BAD AS THE SPACE PIRATES AND THAT THE GALACTIC FEDERATION IS CORRUPT WITH POWER AND WHATEVER. THE CHANCES OF THAT ARE INCREDIBLY LIKELY, SO I THOUGHT IT WAS HILARIOUS HOW EVERYONE THOUGHT IT WAS UNBELIEVABLE.

BUT IT TURNS OUT THAT THE SPACE PIRATE GUY WAS BAIT SO THAT RIDLEY AND THE OTHER SPACE PIRATES COULD FIND THEM AND KILL THEM AND THEN THEY COME AND THEY BASICALLY KILL EVERYONE OKAY.

EXCEPT SAMUS GOES DOWN THERE BECAUSE SHE WANTS TO AVENGE HER PEOPLE OR WHATEVER. SHOUNEN PROTAGONIST ISSUES.

SHE GOES DOWN AND FINDS OUT THAT ONE OF THE CHOZOS NAMED GRAY BIRD OR SOMETHING TURNED EVIL AND IS SIDING WITH THE SPACE PIRATES AND RIDLEY AND MOTHER BRAIN AND THE SPACE PIRATES ARE NOW FOLLOWING MOTHER BRAIN’S ORDERS BECAUSE… SHE’S A GOOD LEADER? SERIOUSLY? WHAT THE FUCK? AND THEN RIDLEY SHOWS UP AND SAMUS STARTS TO EXHIBIT SIGNS OF PTSD BECAUSE THE MANGA IS TRYING TO PAINT HER AS A FRAGILE FLOWER, JUST LIKE OTHER M DID.

BY THE WAY, OTHER M IS FUCKING SHIT.

AND THEN SHE DOES ABSOLUTELY NOTHING BECAUSE SHE’S WEAK AND WHATEVER. AND THEN RIDLEY STARTS BEING A DICK.

Ridley: I ATE YOUR PARENTS’ FLESH TO SURVIVE THE PLANET’S EXPLOSION. FUCKING NOOB!!!!!

Samus: :[

AND THEN THEY MOVE TO A PLACE WHERE ALL THE CHOZOS WERE GATHERED AND RIDLEY IS STILL ACTING LIKE A GIANT DICK.

Ridley: HEY, HEY, CAN I KILL EVERYONE? PLEEEEEEEEEEASE?!?!?!

Gray Bird: SURE, DUDE.

Ridley: BALLA! HEY, BIZNITCHES, YOU’RE ALL FUCKING SHIT. LOOK AT HOW GIANT MY DICK IS COMPARED TO YOURS. I COULD PLEASURE ANY BIRD WITH THIS ENORMOUS COCK. HOW ABOUT YOU ALL TAKE TURNS SUCKING MY GIANT, DRAGON DICK? I AM THE FUCKING GREATEST THING EVER AND I’M WRITTEN COMPLETELY WRONG.

AND THE CHOZOS JUST KIND OF TAKE IT BUT THEN SAMUS’S FUCKING HORRIBLE FRIENDS COME IN AND BLOW SOMETHING UP OR WHATEVER AND THEN… UH, I GUESS EVERYONE JUST LEAVES FOR SOME REASON? I DON’T REALLY REMEMBER. WHOOPS.

SO THEN IT’S JUST SAMUS, HER FRIENDS, AND THE CHOZOS LEFT AND THEN SAMUS IS LIKE:

Samus: KILLMEKILLMEKILLMEKILLMEKILLME
KILLMEKILLMEKILLMEKILLMEKILLME
KILLMEKILLMEKILLMEKILLMEKILLME
KILLMEKILLMEKILLMEKILLMEKILLME
KILLMEKILLMEKILLMEKILLMEKILLME

AND EVERYONE’S LIKE:

Everyone: BITCH SHUT UP

AND THE CHOZOS ALL GROUP AROUND SAMUS AND TELL HER TO CRY LIKE A BITCH AND SHE DOES AND THEN SHE’S OKAY AGAIN.

WHAT THE FUCK.

AND THEN SAMUS FINDS OUT THAT GRAY BIRD’S DNA WAS PLAVED INTO HER BODY SO HE’S KINDA SORTA HER FATHER OR WHATEVER.

AND THEN IT CUTS TO GRAY BIRD AND HE BETRAYS MOTHER BRAIN AND RIDLEY AND MOTHER BRAIN IS PISSED. GRAY BIRD STARTS TALKING PSYCHOLOGICAL GARBAGE THAT’S SIMPLISTIC AND DUMB AND MOTHER BRAIN BASICALLY TELLS HIM TO FUCK OFF.

AND THEN RIDLEY COMES UP AND STARTS ACTING LIKE A DICK AGAIN.

Ridley: FUCK YOU, BIRDIE! YOLO!

AND THEN RIDLEY KILLS HIM.

AND THEN SAMUS GOES BACK ON THE SHIP AND THEN NOTHING HAPPENS.

A FEW YEARS LATER… AGAIN.

THE GALACTIC FEDERATION IS HONORING ONE OF THE FUCKS WHO WAS AT THE LAST GALACTIC MEETINGS AS THE NEW DICTATOR OF THE FEDERATION OR SOMETHING AND THEN SOMEONE BRINGS HIM FLOWERS AND THEY TURN OUT TO BE MONSTERS AND SAMUS IS DRESSED IN A TRENCH COAT AND SHE BLOWS UP THE MONSTER OKAY THAT WAS NICE.

BY THE WAY, THE SHORT GIRL IS NOW A CHARACTER I GUESS OKAY.

AND THEN THE FEDERATION SENDS SAMUS ON A MISSION TO KILL MOTHER BRAIN ON ZEBES.

OH, I GET IT, BECAUSE IT’S THE FIRST GAME. THAT’S COOL.

AND THEN A BUNCH OF SHIT THAT DOESN’T MATTER HAPPENS AND THEN ADAM IS LIKE:

Adam: SAMUS, YOU DON’T HAVE TO BE A WARRIOR ALL THE TIME…. YOU CAN BE A LADY, TOO!

WHAT THE FUCK IS WITH THIS WRITING?

ALSO, FUCK ADAM. UNTIL HE’S DEAD.

AND THEN SAMUS LANDS ON ZEBES AND IT’S ALL DIFFERENT AND MONSTERS ARE ATTACKING HER AND ACTION SCENES WHATEVER WHO CARES?

AND THEN KRAID COMES UP AND HE’S AWESOME BECAUSE HE’S KRAID, WHO IS CLEARLY BETTER THAN RIDLEY BECAUSE FUCK YOU.

HE DIES QUICKLY.

AND THEN RIDLEY COMES UP AND CONTINUES TO ACT LIKE A DICK BECAUSE HE’S A DICK.

HE DIES, I GUESS?

AND THEN OTHER CHARACTERS GET SOME SCREENTIME AND NO ONE CARES.

AND THEN IT CUTS TO SAMUS ABOUT TO FACE MOTHER BRAIN AND THEN IT ENDS.

SPOILER: SHE KILLS MOTHER BRAIN BECAUSE I PLAYED THE GAMES AND KNOW THIS SHIT.

GOOD ENDING, MANGA. REALLY. I WAS REALLY ANTICIPATING HOW THAT FIGHT WOULD TURN OUT. I WAS ON THE EDGE OF MY SEAT. I JUST COU-

This manga was fucking cliche and simplistic.

Everything I hate about Metroid: Other M is present in this manga. It’s so, so stupid. Samus is a petite, fragile human being who deserves to be given a backstory worthy of her gender. God, fuck this manga. It may as well be a fanfic.

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