The above poster is the coolest thing about this film.

If there is anything more strenuous than writing about something so immensely boring, I don’t know what it is. Every fiber of me is stabbing the inner motivations of my mind and telling me not to waste the time with such a derivative, lazy, uninspired, simplistic, uncreative, unfunny, uncharming, unbearably uninteresting movie.

Willow was directed by Ron Howard! Howard directed one of my favorite films in Cinderella Man! The story was thought up by George Lucas! He did the Star Wars and Indiana Jones things! Look at the cool poster! I thought this would be good, if not decent! How did it turn out so… B-L-A-H?!

This film even had a decent outlook of scores among users on Letterboxd, IMDb, and Rotten Tomatoes, though critic consensus was pretty mixed. I have never heard of this film before, so I went in completely blind. I hadn’t even known it was Lucasfilm until the logo popped up before the start!

I’ve delayed it long enough. Why do I think this movie is so awful? Because it’s simple. That’s all. It’s just incredibly, incredibly, incredibly by-the-books in its execution. I can understand a film wanting to be dumb fun for the sake of the atmosphere of adventure and spirited whimsy for the whole family. Willow is an insult to anyone over the age of twelve; it’s more so to those who love fantasy, as well.

1: “Hey, why is this suddenly happening?”

2: “You are not allowed to ask ‘Why?'”

1: “Why?”

2: “Refer to my first answer.”

1: “Okay, whatever, what’s happening right now?”

2: “The little person has been chosen to serve as the child’s guardian.”

1: “Why hi—”

2: “You are not allowed to ask ‘Why?‘”

1: “Gah! What about Kilmer’s character? What’s his deal?”

2: “He is a disgraced warrior who eventually comes along for the quest.”

1: “Does he have a good reason to?”

2: “Not entirely.”

1: “So then why—”

2: “Please refer to my first answer.”

1: “God! So annoying… Alright, the girl, Whalley’s character. What is her role?”

2: “She is the evil queen’s daughter and is tasked with bringing the child to her.”

1: “Okay, that sounds cool. Does she succeed?”

2: “No. She re-aligns herself to good after Kilmer’s character proclaims his love for her.”

1: “…Are you serious?”

2: “Yes.”

1: “Did they know each other from the past?”

2: “No.”

1: “Well… then… why does—”

2: “Please refer to my first answer.”

1: “ALRIGHT, ALRIGHT! God… Uh, so, is there much character development?”

2: “Kilmer’s character goes from thief to brave knight. Whalley goes from evil to good. The titular character makes little change.”

1: “Wow, really? The main character doesn’t get much development?”

2: “Unless you consider timid to slightly-less timid ‘development.'”

1: “So the character’s developments are primarily superficial?”

2: “Debatable.”

1: “Man, that’s kind of lame. But they have good chemistry, right?”

2: “Define that.”

1: “What? Chemistry?”

2: “Yes.”

1: “Okay, uh, how well they get along. How lively characters are when together. How one can feel how close they are based solely on how they interact. That kind of thing.”

2: “The child brings everyone together.”

1: “Wait, what? You mean the baby isn’t just the catalyst to the adventure?”

2: “No. The child brings people closer together.”

1: “How does it do that?”

2: “By existing.”

1: “‘By existing’? Why—”

2: “PLEASE REFER TO MY FIRST ANSWER.”

1: “DO YOU HAVE TO SCREAM, YOU ASSHOLE?!”

2: “It has proven effective in the past.”

1: “Yeah, sure. So with this ‘prophecy’ in place, all the child has to do is die so that it can’t come true, right? That’s what the evil queen wants?”

2: “Yes.”

1: “So I guess that means the child is never captured, right?”

2: “It is. About seventy minutes into the film.”

1: “Wait, seriously? But they’d just kill it then and there, wouldn’t they?”

2: “No. The evil queen wishes to put it through a ritual of damnation.”

1: “…That’s kind of dumb. She should’ve just killed the baby.”

2: “It was not so.”

1: “But w—Er, umm, how does this help her?”

2: “I cannot respond in a manner sufficient to your understanding.”

1: “What?”

2: “I need not repeat myself.”

1: “So you’re saying it’s all bullshit?”

2: “I said nothing of the sort.”

1: “Then why—”

PLEASE REFER TO MY FIRST ANSWER

YOU ARE NOT AUTHORIZED TO ASK WHY

YOU ARE NOT CAPABLE OF ASKING WHY

DO NOT USE YOUR BRAIN — ENJOY THE FILM FOR ITS WHOLESOME QUALITIES

GEORGE LUCAS IS A GENIUS

RON HOWARD IS A MASTER OF EMOTIONAL MANIPULATION

WARWICK DAVIS ISN’T TERRIBLE IN THIS MOVIE

GIVE US YOUR MONEY AND YOUR PRAISE

Final Score: 2/10

The rating for all other films can be found at Letterboxd.

For more, check out the March of the Movies Archive!