Thoughts on Diabolik Lovers (Explicit, Spoilers)

Diabolik Lovers is awful. Literally. One of the worst anime ever. Multiple times throughout the series, I compared it to horrible fanfiction and The Room. Is it the worst anime I’ve ever seen? Maybe. That’s a legitimately hard question.

Diabolik Lovers starts like this: a girl named whocares is dropped off at a mansion without being informed of why she’s staying there. I’d like to question why she accepted the limousine ride in the first place, but whatever. She enters the house, where she meets just one of six bishies who will go on to rape her all throughout the series, and by “rape,” I mean, “forcefully suck her blood,” because sex is too icky for this series. There also comes a time when some of the bishies’ mother comes up and wants revenge or… something. It doesn’t really matter, because she’s defeated in an episode through no real effort… and it’s not explained well.

But seriously, I can tell you the formula that this anime likes to abide by; girl walks into a room. Bishie enters after her. Bishies verbally abuses the shit out of her. Bishie rapes her. Girl does very little to resist. Bishie suddenly falls in love with her… due to her blood? Girl feels empathetic toward each bishie, despite scene after scene of horrific abuse, because fuck you. That’s what happens. In every episode. EVERY EPISODE. SCENE AFTER SCENE AFTER SCENE AFTER SCENE AFTER SCENE. I was sick of this series by episode four. By episode twelve, I almost fell asleep. Of course, I didn’t fall asleep, but my brain did. I didn’t even care to analyze it anymore. There is nothing deep or essential to this plot, and there’s nothing to get out of it. It’s just repetitive garbage.

Allow me to tell you of each of the characters:

Girl: Has nice eyes. Will forgive anyone who sucks her blood. Likes being tortured. Has no personality. Has the voice of a butterfly. That last statement means that her voice is way too soft too hear. She’s terrible.

Subaru (Car): One of the vampires who takes on the role of the “MMM. I’M TOO COOL FOR SCHOOL.” personality that drives prepubescent girls to orgasm their little teddy underwear out. He has two different eye colors and really enjoys torturing the girl.

Reiji (Glasses): See above comment, as they’re essentially the same, except Reiji wears glasses and only tortures the girl once.

Ayato (Rapist): The one who enjoys torturing the girl the most. He has a very possessive personality that makes him treat the girl as if she’s his sandwich. Fun fact: he’s awful.

Laito (Fedora guy): Wears a fedora. Has a really fucking annoying way of speaking. I’d call it an accent, but it’s not an accent as much as it’s a speech impediment. Fun fact: He calls the girl “Little bitch,” which I immediately imitated and started calling the girl “Little bitch.”

Kanato (Teddy): He set his mother on fire after her death. He also carries around a stuffed bear toy, whom he has regular conversations with. He’s also crazy, but I’m sure you could assume that.

Shu (Judge Shudy): He always has an iPod or something with him. He also has blonde hair and blue eyes. He’s Hitler’s vampire, or at least I believe he is. He is always seen laying around, which leads the viewer to believe that he doesn’t care about anything, which is true. He’s awful.

Everybody else: Awful.

The art is fucking art. Fuck you. It was whatever.

DID I MENTION THAT I WATCHED THIS WITH SOUND? No? Oh, okay. I watched this with sound. I shouldn’t have done that. For some reason, the characters in this series have the undying desire to make these weird suckling sounds whenever they bite into the girl’s body with their fangs. It sounds disgusting. Did I mention Laito’s speech impediment is irritating? I did? Oh, okay. Laito’s talking is annoying. I kinda wish everyone in this series died.

Is this the worst anime I’ve ever seen? I would probably put it at the second worst, because I can’t just kick Koi Koi 7 off its pedestal that easily. But in all seriousness, Diabolik Lovers is something I will always try to remember as one of the most incomplete and confusing messes to ever grace the anime world. At least I got something out of it; LIL’ BITCH!