We’ve reached our final stop within my Traveling Thoughts series on Paper Mario: The Thousand-Year Door. It’s been a long trip that’s spanned more than half a year, but it’s time for the thoughts on this series to come to a close. For the final entry, I will be looking at one of the most prominent sources of side quests within the game: the Trouble Center.

The way it works is that a certain character will come in and fill out on a message board a job they want someone to complete for them. The building is located on the east side of Rogueport—the building just after Gus’s guarding post—and is open to the player after the Prologue. Upon completing a chapter, three or four new troubles will be available to complete. These jobs usually consist of people needing help with finding a specific item or meeting someone for them. These odd jobs aren’t really enthralling in and of themselves, but it’s the characters that give a bit of flavor to the jobs being given.

I was always fond of doing these troubles as a kid. It allowed me to go back and establish more of the characters I had met in previous chapters, and gives them more of a reason to be present in the game’s universe. It was nice to revisit the memories I had of previous chapters and get more of a taste of the personalities present. Plus, I liked knowing that I was doing everything the game was offering. Call it the task manager inside me.

As an adult, I’m not as immersed in the story and characters as I once was, but still acknowledge that it’s an enticing part of doing these troubles. Unfortunately, these positive feelings are overshadowed by the main problem with the Trouble Center: repetition. Remember from previous posts how much I adore fetch quests? Well, most troubles are just that. I’d say at least half of all the troubles that are available to you throughout the game will require the player to retrieve a specific item(s) for a character posting the trouble. There is very little variety in what the player is required to do with these troubles, and the payoff usually isn’t worth it. I only wish there was more incorporated with what to do with these troubles than what’s offered here.

Something I hadn’t noticed as a kid is the time is takes to travel between all these troubles. The blue pipes below Rogueport help a tad to alleviate this, but it still has quite a bit of moving, especially later on. I remember a particular trouble where the player is asked to meet with a certain character, and then that character asks you to meet another character, and again, and again. I despised the wild goose chase with General White, and I don’t much care for this mailman-type side quest, either. I guess the traveling comes with the territory.

The rewards for these troubles vary tremendously, unlike the manner in which one has to take to complete them. Sometimes the player will receive coins, items, badges, and even an additional character. Ms. Mowz, the “mysterious” badge thief, will become a partner of Mario’s upon completing her trouble, under the guise of “???.” Seeing as she’s an optional partner, her abilities aren’t exactly appealing, but for the relatively inconvenient means it takes to solve her trouble, a whole new partner is a pretty sweet deal. Aside from her, other rewards include an upgrade to the Zess T’s cooking abilities and some cards that allow access to games within the gambling parlor on the west side of Rogueport. Ultimately, rewards aren’t always worth the trouble, but some can be worth looking into.

I just wish the troubles would provide the reward on the bulletin board so I’d know what the trouble is worth.

They’re a nice little distraction from the main quest, but I’d hardly call them something worth looking into. Many would enjoy going back to previous chapters and talking with the people afterwards to see what’s changed and what’s been going on since Mario’s visit. However, those not so invested with the characters and story will likely be bothered by these constant, monotonous trips back to these areas only to explore other areas due to fetch quests for a measly thirty coins or so. I think it’d be better in my case to only employ the troubles that give you more than just coins or require more than running back and forth. That’s not to say I didn’t enjoy my time doing these troubles, but I felt the enjoyment could’ve been heightened tremendously with a little more creativity.

I’d like to thank all of you who read through to the end. I’ve been a little slow about updating these, but I put a lot of effort into them. I hope you enjoyed them as much as I enjoyed writing them (most of the time).

(All gameplay screenshots courtesy of Yoshiller.)

Chapter 7

Almost there… Almost there…

Up to this point, you’ve seen me complain about fetch quests, backtracking, padding, and rushed (or otherwise unexplained) character motivations throughout the chapters. Chapter 7 is no different. However, Chapter 7 is split up into two completely different sections that offer different varieties of gameplay. Kind of like… most other chapters. This game isn’t very original at its core.

Mario and co. have just retrieved the sixth Crystal Star from the Poshley Sanctum. After arriving back at Rogueport, Mario receives a message from Princess Peach detailing her present location, which she had discovered through help of her computer companion, TEC. She, along with the X-Naut base, is on the moon! Knowing this, Mario returns to the Thousand-Year Door and reveals the location of the last Crystal Star; lo and behold, it’s on the moon. With little idea as to how one could even reach the moon, Professor Frankly suggests a trip to Fahr Outpost, a small, wintry military base home to many retired general bob-ombs. There’s just one issue: the path to the warp pipe leading to Fahr Outpost is blocked off by a gray block, a block one can’t break with the Super Hammer.

In order to acquire the Ultra Hammer, one must take advantage of the Ultra Boots in a somewhat unorthodox way. The location of the Ultra Hammer is actually in plain sight, within the center room of Rogueport, on top of a wooden tower next to the inn. Walking underneath the tower and using the Ultra Boots to launch Mario into the chest’s underside will bounce it off of the tower and onto the ground, where Mario can open it. Congratulations! You now have the Ultra Hammer. Proceed with your quest, oh, adventurous player. No garbage excuse like a name on your pants will stop you from proceeding with the second-to-last chapter.

It’s a short detour from the main storyline, but acquiring the Ultra Hammer is hardly a pace-breaker, especially if you know where it is. I usually have it before getting the location of the seventh Crystal Star. It doesn’t have the same appeal as jumping through social hoops to gain a ticket for a ride or anything, but it goes along with the isolation feel of the chapter, which I’ll get into in following paragraphs.

The region prior to Fahr Outpost is a desolate, chilling environment covered in snow and the occasional broken-down building structures and trees. Structure-wise, it’s similar to Chapter 1 and the area prior to Petalburg, only this area is shorter (two rooms instead of three). Also similar to Chapter 1 is the level of importance to these rooms, which offer very little in terms of storyline importance, and without many secrets, either. It’s another straightforward, left to right path filled with environmentally-altered enemies you’ve already faced before that serves as an irritating trial ground before arriving at the target area. It’s annoying, and the fact that you have to go back and forth through this area multiple times throughout the chapter only makes it worse, but I’m getting ahead of myself.

Reaching Fahr Outpost, Mario will be greeted with a large bunker and a suspiciously large, empty plot of space in the middle of the room. Trying to access the bunker is unavailable, so unless one fancies themselves a social butterfly, there is little point to the room. Going into the next room will offer a little more to the eye, with a shop, inn, various other homes, and a statue of a cannon near the right of the room. It’s almost like foreshadowing. A green bob-omb with a sick mustache is the person Mario wants to talk to, but there’s a catch: this bob-omb, as is tradition, apparently, will not speak of anything related to the secrets of the outpost unless he’s speaking to another bob-omb. If only you had a partner that was a bob-omb with an even sicker mustache. Hrmm.

Going back to the point I made about isolationism, this sense of tradition among the bob-omb residents is another strong indicator of such. The snowy atmosphere and the lack of any strong population of people is one thing, but the fear of outside information being used for perceived evil deeds is the kind of thing to drive that sense of “us against everyone” mentality of the outpost. Also, icing on the cake, “Fahr Outpost.” Fahr. Far. Outpost. Out. Far out. Get it? The area is far and away, and out of reach of most of the civilization? The bob-ombs present also speak with a slight Russian accent, so one could also think the area indicative of Siberia and other portions of northern Russia, which is, obviously, cold, snowy, and away from most of the civilization. The music is a nice reflection of this, too. An atmospheric track full of wind-like whispers and a formulaic coating of beeps and boops, perfectly designed to instill a feeling of an empty wonderland of nothing. Oh, how majestic.

Funny story: when I was younger, I actually had to look up a guide to progress at this point. I wasted so much time going back and forth between areas, trying to wrap my brain around what I was supposed to do (I never used Goombella for hints, either). It’s funny how stupid I can be sometimes. It doesn’t highlight it, but it may as well have highlighted when the bob-omb said only to other bob-ombs. For whatever reason, I completely forgot Bobbery was with me at the time. Guess I don’t really see him as a bob-omb as much as I see him as an explosive old goomba… or something.

With Bobbery at your side, the green bob-omb will let you in on the outpost’s secret: it has a giant cannon within it that can launch people as far as, say, the moon. However, like always, there’s a catch: they do not have permission to use it, nor do they have someone who can operate it. The target then becomes

F E T C H  Q U E S T S

Great. So, Mario and co. are tasked in finding two bob-ombs: General White, a white bob-omb the player could find earlier on in Chapter 1, and Goldbob, the rich, gold bob-omb with whom you could interact with in chapters 3 and 6. It’s kind of cool to be able to have recurring characters actually be important to the progression of the game, while also giving more insight to their past lives, but what isn’t cool is getting to them. Goldbob isn’t so much of a hassle. He’s located in Poshley Heights where you last saw him at the end of Chapter 6, though speaking to him, he’ll only give you permission if you can show him how much you’re willing to sacrifice for it (Give him all your coins. He’ll give them right back). It’s General White who’s the problem, and by far the worst part of this chapter. You remember him from Chapter 1, so you go to Petalburg to try and find him, only to find out he’s not there anymore. Talking to the first Koopa you meet in town will tell you he left to some other place. So you go there, only to find he’s not there. Someone else will direct you where to go next. This goes on for what feels like an eternity, until you’re finally given the indication that he went back to Fahr Outpost. All that traveling around just to end up back where you started. Isn’t that fun? Isn’t that just an immersive, all-around good time? Doesn’t that not make you want to commit murder? Don’t you love fetch quests??? Pro tip: there’s an underground path underneath Rogueport leading to these blue warp pipes that automatically take you to central sections of various places, such as Petalburg and The Great Tree. Use them.

Once you’ve traversed the path leading to Fahr Outpost for the third time, General White will be inside one of the buildings near the cannon statue sleeping. You need him awake, so what is the most logical thing to do in this situation?

A) Yell his name.
B) Nudge him awake.
C) Hammer ‘A’ to jump on him like a monkey on the bed.
D) Wait for him to wake up.

If you guessed C), you would be correct. D) also would’ve been an acceptable answer, as you’ll have to wait for him to wake up as you continue to stomp on his face. It’s amazing how normal bob-ombs are taken out in a couple of jumps from Mario in battle, yet White can take as many as ten to fifteen bounces. He must be coated in diamonds. When he finally wakes up, you tell him about the cannon and he jumps at the chance to use it again. So, without a moment’s notice, a looooong cutscene plays that has the bob-ombs of the town setting up for something, positioning Mario in the center of the large plot of empty space in the first room. The ground collapses in, then an enormous cannon comes soaring out of the ground, with White and other bob-ombs going into the previously unavailable bunker and handling the coordination of the cannon. Before rattling on any longer, the cannon is fired and Mario and co. are blasted off, unharmed and without any space gear, onto the moon. That’s convenient.

The moon is an interesting place for the game. Not just in concept, but in its structure. The gravity is lower, so movement is dramatically cut and jumping is dramatically boosted. There are a lot of, get this, environmentally-altered enemies you’ve faced in the past on the moon—most of ’em Clefts, a few of them Yux. The moon consists of four or five rooms, but doesn’t have a dead end. The area simply loops past the last room. Seeing as the moon is small, it would obviously circle around, but four or five rooms? That’s a pretty small moon. Upon the third (I believe) room, Mario can see a fortress in the distance. Destroying a specific rock with Bobbery will reveal a warp pipe that will lead directly to the entrance of the fortress. I would be more inclined to talk about the moon, but the moon is entirely pointless. It is, again, basically a trial area before getting into the real dungeon or target area of the chapter. However, it’s cool to sort of understand how drastically far you are from any collection of population (not counting those inside the fortress). Another point for isolation. The music for the moon is literally almost nothing.

The fortress, revealed to Mario and co. (but obvious to the audience) is the X-Naut base, where Peach has been kept captive. The base is already somewhat familiar to the player due to the Peach sidequests after each chapter. However, there are many other rooms and crevices to the facility that are new enough to the player to make it a little more aggravating interesting. Before stating anything else, the music accompanying the base is great. Very upbeat, fast-paced, and a little hypnotic in its coordination. I never once get tired of this track, and it might be my favorite of the entire game, so it gives me an enlightened boost whenever I step foot into the base. It has a sort of “epic” atmosphere that’s been built up to the point where the player feels as though this is finally the time to strike the X-Naut team at its… base. Only thing is, it’s kind of repetitive, which is also symbolic of the base.

As a dungeon, the X-Naut base is so-so. It has a nice variety of puzzles and even returns the quiz show Thwomp in a robotic form, but there’s a lot of backtracking that irritates me. Lots of conditions set before progressing further, such as collecting key cards or secret codes. It’s also fairly short. About as long as one would take to finish the dungeon in Chapter 5, which I noted was notoriously short. It has a lot more to do than previous dungeons, but it all feels somewhat familiar when all’s said and done. And quick. This is also shown with the boss of the chapter: Lord Crump, in a beefed up version of his Chapter 2 robo-suit, aptly named Magnus Von Grapple 2.0. Thinking about it now, this chapter seems to take inspiration from a lot of previous chapters. The quiz show Thwomp, the boss being the same as Chapter 2’s, the straightforward trial area before Fahr Outpost and the X-Naut base. This chapter seems to take inspiration from previous chapters, almost like the development team was running out of ideas, or wanted to bring things back as a reference. I’m going with the former, but I’m pessimistic by nature.

Magnus Von Grapple 2.0 is much harder than he was in Chapter 2. He’s got more tricks up his sleeve, along with a death move that can damage Mario and co. like the dickens. Healing items and special moves are recommended for this boss, along with some upgraded partners. I didn’t die on this boss, personally, but I can see why people could struggle with this boss (like my younger brother). He’s got quite a bit of health to him, along with special moves that can take down your HP like nothing. It’s a challenging test for a chapter that only tested your persistence, usually. An overall fun fight. With Crump defeated, Mario acquires the last Crystal Star as the “End of Chapter” sequence plays without any funny business afterwards.

I like the sense of loneliness present in the chapter, along with the playfulness of reality in regards to visiting the moon and playing around with General White’s face, but getting to that point is a massive pain. It’s the most blatant use of backtracking and fetch quests for fuck all’s sake the game has incorporated yet, and thankfully its last. It befuddles the beginning sections as something to dread, especially when dealing with the Puffs and Piranha Plants in your way to Fahr Outpost. It breaks the pace and adds more whitened misery to the already depressive scenery. Beyond, though, is an even-keeled adventure of throwbacks to previous chapters and a myriad of puzzles and new scenery. As a whole, the chapter is one of the better ones, but not much for its creativity, rather for its basics. It gives more to do rather than follow a central theme, like most of the other chapters. I appreciate it for not trying to outdo itself, but aside from the dreariness of the outpost and the distant feeling of outer space, it doesn’t have a lot of memorability to it. That sort of pizzazz that makes it stick out from the others. It’s certainly better than other chapters by design, but it doesn’t have that same passion for flair. The only real moment of that was with the cannon cutscene. And what a cutscene it was.

(All gameplay screenshots courtesy of chuggaaconroy.)

I didn’t forget about this.

At the end of each chapter, the narrative turns from the viewpoint of Mario and co. to Princess Peach, and then Bowser, in that order. These alterations don’t take too much time away from playing as Mario, but they’re fun little variety bonuses for completing each chapter. Call it the dessert for finishing the main course, which you had to complete a fetch quest for. Jokes aside, there is some minimal importance to these little side missions.

Setting them in their natural order, taking control of Princess Peach has you placed within the X-Naut base, where they are holding her captive for an unknown purpose. Even before the focus falls upon Peach, it typically gives some insight to the X-Naut base of operations, including the strategies and insight of their leader: Grodus, who looks like he has a magic 8 ball for a head. It also foreshadows some events to come when the attention turns back to Mario, such as Grodus sending the Shadow Sirens after Mario before Chapter 2. Most of it is basically the same old, same old; Grodus is informed that Mario has another Crystal Star and he gets pissed and tells his soldiers to stop being shit.

Once in control of Peach, the duration of most of her segments has her walking along hallways and talking to TEC, the base’s main supercomputer, who conveniently falls in love with Peach upon first sight. I’m not joking. As the chapters go along, TEC becomes more and more “human” in the sense that it learns through Peach about the concept of “love,” and all the emotions that go along with it. One should probably question how this is possible for a computer, but this is Super Mario Bros. and not a college class in Logic. As this love for Peach continues, TEC reveals more and more about her situation and the intention the X-Nauts have with her captivity. But it’s not like it knows everything, and even enlists Peach to aid its curiosity. This, in turn, has Peach traveling around the X-Naut base disguising herself as a normal X-Naut, or turning invisible, to deceive others and collecting information.

In terms of actually playing as Peach, her gameplay is very limited. The most the player can do is move and interact with people or objects. In some cases, the player hardly does anything more than just talk with TEC. Peach’s segments are very dialogue-heavy and contain important foreshadowing and inside information about the enemy intentions because of it. On a personal note, I enjoyed Peach segments for that purpose, but I can’t say I enjoy playing as her. She can’t even jump. You just move and press “A.” I enjoy the chapter where you play with potions and make her invisible, but other than that, they’re pretty much a visual novel.

At least you can watch her shower.

Then, there are the Bowser segments. These parts of the game don’t typically take as long as Peach segments and aren’t as dialogue-heavy, but they’re more comedic in nature and one is actually given a nice array of control over Bowser. The narrative of Bowser’s focus is typically his goal of collecting the Crystal Stars before Mario can and/or finding out where Peach is so he can steal her for himself. The humorous part is that after every chapter, Bowser is shown in the area preceding the chapter that Mario had just completed, making him always one-step behind. He is accompanied along his travels by Kammy Koopa, an old Magikoopa who rides around on a broomstick—one who is constantly subjected to the same “old person” jokes that this game seems to be so fond of. She doesn’t serve much a point other than to serve as a counselor for Bowser, whether that means talking him into a calm state or being his punching bag.

Much like the Peach segments play out a certain way, the Bowser segments play out a certain way, too. Bowser comes onto a scene, interacts with those around him, and then he either fails in a humorous way or stumbles upon the news that he’s too late to get the Crystal Star or whatever. Ensue laughs (or groans), end scene. There’s not much point to his segments aside from perhaps showing what characters from previous chapters are up to after Mario has visited them. That and humor. Well, this game’s version of it. I feel it’s hit or miss. Doesn’t do much for the repetitive nature of the jokes that surround him, but it does feel fun blowing fire at things around you, even if they (unfortunately) don’t react accordingly.

The saving grace to Bowser segments are the short little homages to Super Mario Bros., which has Bowser running through edited courses from the original game in a 2D side-scrolling fashion. While they are criminally short, they also serve as a fun distraction to the typical play style of the RPG-themed Mario segments. And by criminally short, I mean you can complete them in under a minute. I’m not exaggerating. The first stage given to you after Chapter 2 can have you go from start to finish in about twenty-five seconds. It’s disappointing, but it retains the value of fun you would expect from typical Mario games. Better yet, Bowser can collect his own “mushrooms” through meat on a bone to grow larger and larger still. Collect more than one and Bowser will grow to a massive size and become invincible, completing destroying every enemy and obstacle in his path. It’s shit like this that makes me appreciate this game.

There’s not much else to really say about them. Peach’s segments give information to the player about the situation and foreshadows future events, while also developing a computer with a thing for blonde chicks, but gives little in terms of excitement through gameplay. Bowser’s segments are the complete opposite, with little to no importance based around the plot of his actions, but are an enjoyable treat to play through. These sections of the game won’t take a large chunk of gametime off the total, but they have their merits. I wish Peach had more to do, while I wish Bowser had more of a point, while expanding upon the side-scrolling action that he made his own. But alas, I can only dream of the perfect Paper Mario game. Here in reality, that perception has long been shown to be dead with each passing year.

(All gameplay screenshots courtesy of PKSparkxx DatHottneSS.)